roof over my head, grounds below

Apr 5, '08 5:13 PM
for everyone

One woman in her late 30's. She lives in New York city, a successful career-minded and a perfectionist woman, with her apartment in the Upper East Side. She has an equally successful boyfriend. They seem to love each other and committed to each other. She's clearly keen in pursuing the marriage and having children, whereas the boyfried seems a bit reluctant to make the commitment. Can't blame him too much, he's been in a marriage before that ended with a divorce and three grown kids. Every time she asks how he feels of having another child with her, his answer is always not sure.

Finally, she decided to have enough of living as a single woman so she demanded an asnwer from her boyfriend about the future plan. Within 2 months she wanted to be able to realize her plan of getting married and possibly having children after that. But his answer is still no, and now she's devastated. She is heartbroken. She's feel used because of her commitment to her boyfriend and the time and energy she has poured into this relationship. She decided to take a break from New York and flew to Miami, where she stayed for a few days and saw her best friend.

After some time in Miami, she got into thinking that this has been a one-sided plan. She thought she understood while her boyfriend has been reluctant to pursue marriage, she felt that he still loves her and she began to think that in order to be happy she didn't have to be a mother. She feels that she'd rather have the happiness with her boyfriend than having chidren. By changing her state of mind she feels that this is the best solution to her problem. After all she doesn't want to be married with just a regular random guy, she wants her boyfriend, this man who's already successful and perfect in her mind. She seems to be afraid of the loneliness she'd feel without her boyfriend. She sacrifices one of her options to pursue the rest of her plan, a move that'snot what she wants to have 100%. At last, she calls her boyfriend in New York and tells him that she'll come home.

I feel sorry for her. Her sacrifice is so touching despite her outside appareance of being a tough, independent woman. She actually yearns to have a domestic life which looks so normal compared to what she does professionally in life. I don't think her being a perfectionist helps it because real life doesn't turn out perfect all the time. Do you?

*this is a real life story*

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bookshop wrote on Apr 5, edited on Apr 5

westlinn said

She feels that she'd rather have the happiness with her boyfriend than having chidren.

Not knowing this woman as well as you do, I can't say for sure but I thought the sentence I highlighted says it all: she has a change of priority. She now knows that her boyfriend is worth sacrificing her dreams for. I personally do not see this as sad because people do change. Maybe she does see the boyfriend as the key to her happiness and it's not due to some simple fear of loneliness. I can only hope that the boyfriend appreciates and realizes the sacrifices that she has made :D.

westlinn wrote on Apr 5

bookshop said

yes, it doesn't have to be looked as a sad ending, but she must have be broken hearted at least for a while. if she really wants to have children the yearning must be very very strong, so it takes a considerable effort not to be able to fulfill it. that part is what touches me, i could relate it based on my experience.

bookshop wrote on Apr 5

westlinn said

i could relate it based on my experience.

Likewise :)). My comment is also based on my experience but sort of the reverse. Isn't it interesting how things can differ depending on each individual's experience?

milicancer wrote on Apr 5

good story Eliz, banyak hal yg bisa kita belajar dari sini...the power of love melebihi segalanya:))

flona wrote on Apr 7

bookshop said

I can only hope that the boyfriend appreciates and realizes the sacrifices that she has made :D.

Yah yah yah..ini point yang paling penting menurut gue juga

ikaray wrote on Apr 9

oh well .. she can't have it all .. I think that's the only thing that she can do if she value their relationship more than her own dream. good on her and hope she did the right thing ..

westlinn wrote on Apr 9

ikaray said

oh well .. she can't have it all .. I think that's the only thing that she can do if she value their relationship more than her own dream. good on her and hope she did the right thing ..

iya tuh...man/woman can't have all the things in the world, it'll be too perfect of a world then.

thebrigham wrote on Apr 10

This is such a heart-breaking situation, and unfortunately, there's no happy way out of it.
There is no point, at this stage in her life and after this long in a relationship, of continuing to date when they cannot possibly get married and live happily ever after. Oh, they could get married - but if you and your spouse can't agree on whether to have children, it's not going to be happy.

Having kids is not a superficial issue - it's one of the two or three most important decisions of someone's life, if not the most important. Their positions are mutually exclusive: he doesn't want kids ever; she will want them in the future.

Eventually, this will mean they break up. Better now than in year, when she's missed a year of chances to meet someone who does want kids. Better a breakup than a divorce.

My advice to her is to try to imagine how she'd feel if she never had kids. Would it make her profoundly sad? If yes, then she should end the relationship now, while the availability of eligible partners is high.

Comment deleted at the request of the author.

westlinn wrote on Apr 10

thebrigham said

My advice to her is to try to imagine how she'd feel if she never had kids. Would it make her profoundly sad? If yes, then she should end the relationship now, while the availability of eligible partners is high

jadi panjang ya Lis? hehehe...
thanks for the advice but unfortunately there's nothing we could do. it's an outline of a reality show :D :D but it's a good story to ponder.

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roof over my head, grounds below